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(no subject)

the FML! meme

Step 1 ∙ Your characters are suddenly compelled to share with the world why their life sucks
so much. Have them write about it in the comments!

Step 2 ∙ Respond to other character's confessions

~~step 3 ∙ ic drama??? angst???~~

Simple as that!

nabbed from

adddictions

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[What's that? A soapbox for Cobra to stand on and rant about everything wrong with his life ever?]

No matter what I do or how close I come to achieving my objectives, it always ends in failure! Always! And it's never my fault! It's either due to my enemies' interference or my own subordinates' incompetence! And the worst part is I can't get rid of them because where else are you going to find despicable people willing to do horrible things to the rest of the world for a widely varying pay scale! And even the robots end up being complete failures! I'd fire them all and conquer the world mysssself if it were possible, but it's not! No one man can singlehandedly conquer the world! Even I can sssee that!

And if that weren't bad enough, I've had the misssfortune of being stabbed in the back repeatedly by my own minions, been reduced to a ridiculousss subhuman snake monster, been kept as a pet by the idiot they placed in charge and fed flies! Flies! Do you know how demoralizing it is to one day hold the world in your fist and the next be reduced to eating flies out of a cage! Do you?

Then when I was finally changed back into something at least sssomewhat resembling a human being, I learned that my organization donated all of my old uniforms to charity! TO CHARITY! How dare them!

[Okay, there's everything wrong with his life back home through his canon point.]

What a tragic life you've had so far, Commander. I had no idea...

[Never mind Ren's sort of part of the people who stab your back here in this new world.]

It must have taken a long time to get yourself new uniforms.

Not as long as you might think. Thankfully, one of my less incompetent henchmen was able to recover a new uniform sssoon enough! But until then, I was stuck with thisssss! Just look at it! The mighty Cobra Commander reduced to wearing whatever that was! The injustice of it all!

[...

Well, at least the uniforms actually look nice compared to that.]

I hope you gave him a reward for his good actions.

I did actually! A free meal, courtesy of Cobra Commander!

[He um, turned the guy that usurped his position into an iguana and may have let said helpful minion eat the iguana. Yeah.]

They may be overwhelmingly incompetent, but I am ssstill more than willing to reward a job well done.

Henchmen.

I'll never understand why they all seem to think they deserve end-of-the-year bonuses when half the time their plans don't even work, and another quarter of the time I'm the one who has to come in personally and save them from botching it past repair.

Bonuses! Hah! Mine are lucky I bother to pay their benefits with the lackluster performances they provide!

[Shockingly, Cobras get medical, dental, retirement, and vacation.]

And the only thing worse than having to fix their missstakes is having them question authority! I don’t have to explain why I want something done, whether it be stealing a high powered laser or exposing them to highly corrosive chemicals in order to test equipment! There is a reason for everything I do, but I don’t have to explain it to every sssingle Viper in my organization with second thoughts about following orders!

It's even worse still when they can't even follow the orders you give them. At least not until you've explained it six or seven times in excruciating detail and very small words. Occasionally with well-labeled color-coded charts.

Or a handout explaining step by step exactly what is expected of them! And then they sssstill mess up!

And they fight amongst themselves and botch the heist because they're too busy trying to one-up one another than to cooperate and get the job done...

[Oh my god. Carmen, that is his life.]

Don't even get me sssstarted on that! In fighting between minions is the reason why I don't have Excalibur right now!

[Because Destro and Storm Shadow had to fight over it. And then an eagle stole it and dumped it back into a lake, thus saving all of England.]

Excalibur? The sword Excalibur?

[BEGINNING TO BE KIND OF JEALOUS.]

Yesss! The sword Excalibur!

Did you have aspirations to become the next king of England?

Not just England, but Germany, France...

[And this goes on for a while before Cobra runs out of countries.]

Not to worry though, I have a backup plan for conquering England! And it's a brilliant one!

[Jeez, Cobra, are we going to have to learn the nations of the world now? COME ON NOW.]

I'd be delighted to hear it.

Ssssimple! I'm going to kidnap the Queen! And then ransom her in exchange for the crown!

[Never mind the fact that England is a constitutional monarchy and has been for a long time.]

...You do realize that the Queen's powers as Head of State are almost entirely ceremonial as opposed to political, don't you?

[KNOWING COBRA, PROBABLY NOT. Sob.]

It's a nice crown, though. A little small, but exquisitely made. Though I don't think it'll fit over your helmet, alas.

Of course! But the people of England love their royals, so I'll be able to sway popular opinion towards Cobra controlling the country! And the crown isn't a problem! After all, I have more than one mask! I'm sure it will fit one of them!

Or you might persuade them to unite and rise up against you.

British subjects are a bit notorious for banding together to rebel against tyranny, you know.

That will be hard to do once Cobra laws have removed any right to organize or protest against my rule.

[His reign only lasts five minutes anyway...probably in real time. Hard to be king when even his own minions couldn't stand him at that point. Major Bludd and the Baroness were practically first in line to overthrow King Cobra Commander the First.]

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